listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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