guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so much tequila, so little girl.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
