i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Randomize