update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
