In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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