so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
