You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
