Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
