It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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