It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't deserve a penis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dude. I can hear the air.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
