seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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