I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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