I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
