She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
