SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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