There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Barsexuality is the new black.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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