I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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