oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
