they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My bed smells like the plague
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
