shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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