My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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