why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
