I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
