I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
