u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
