i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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