Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
