I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
