A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You ruined the universe
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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