i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
