my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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