I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize