I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
