Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
