my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
