i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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