don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
