If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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