I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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