just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
