About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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