youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
