Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
