Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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