But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
