woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
