What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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