sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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