i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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