Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
