Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
