I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
