I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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