Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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