So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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