I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
