its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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