So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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