My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
